Taking Steps

Won't lie to you guys, I'm struggling with the title a bit... Anyways...Trying to work my way through something, so you folks are privy to a subject near and dear to me.

Why is it so tough to be a step-parent? Growing up, I had surrogate fathers in people like my grandfather (R.I.P), both of my uncles, and a few of my mother's (R.I.P) boyfriends. The kid never had the pleasure of having "Stepdad" IN the house with him, though. Not that it bothered me, but, it DID kinda shape how I look at the role of a stepparent. Being a boy, I wished I had someone to toss a football around with, teach me how to ride a bike, steal my first porn from, and shit of that nature. I didn't, and vicariously shared those moments with my cousins who DID have both parents at home. I grew to appreciate the possibility of having SOMEONE other than Donna Rae and my little sis in the house with me. Some OTHER guy...
I've held to this my whole life, and, even in dating women with kids, held this same respect for stepparents. It helped that I saw the admiration my mother and uncles held for THEIR stepfather (so much so, that they called him "Daddy"... and so did I), and I assumed that this is how all stepparents must be treated, right? Well, sometime during my school years, I started hearing the contempt that kids my age held for their own stepparents. Granted, as a child, when you lose a biological for any reason, you tend to have feelings that you can't properly come to grips with. And, as a child myself, I sided with the kids who felt slighted by their newfound parental units. But, that changed when I began to venture to these homes and meet said "devils". Most catered to these kids' every whim and desire, bending over backwards to be that "perfect" mom or dad. The kids, though, didn't want perfect, though. And of course, you had the ubiquitous, "step from hell" that literally went out of their way to belittle, demean, and psychologically destroy innocent kids. But those steps were the EXTREME minority.

Even with the worse case scenario step parents, why is there an instant resistance to anyone "new" in a single parent's life in the first place? Why do children of broken or even single parent homes long for the familiarity of disappointment? My wife was married previously, and all of her children are products of said marriage. She dated briefly before meeting me, and the kids all loved me (or maybe I'm being delusional, who knows...) because I was a constant in their lives. Seemed fair at the time. Anyhoo, during the two years that we dated, and the month into our marriage, I was privied to hear how she interacted with her two (2) stepdads as well as the high regard she held her biological in. During there convos, I got a glimpse at the inner-workings of a kid with S.P. Syndrome (step parent, for those who needed that one), and, frankly, it was disturbing to me. Her dad married her mom VERY young, and split, then REMARRIED her, only to split again. From this union, my wife was born. After daddy flew the coop, he moved away, and moved some more, taking the time, every so often, to make a quick phone call or even the "surprise" visit. This pleased my wife as a child. Mom remarried, to which a baby brother was born, and dad moved again... Hell, I'm getting bored writing this part... Long story shortened, Stepdad number two was a good guy, didn't last, but stepdad number three kinda sucked in her opinion... Now, she also claims that S.D. #3 was jealous of the fact that she loved said deadbeat biological, and thusly cut her off from his own love...

And this is where my confusion lies. Now, the closest I had to a father was my grandfather, but, it's not the same, but, I DO know that I never held ANY one man to the standards my grandfather set. I gave all of my mother's suitors a fair shake, and, they all had their pros and cons. The one who had the most enduring impression was my little sis's dad. Not because he spoiled me (and he did), not because he treated my mom like a queen (which he did), and not because I was desperate for a father figure (which I wasn't?). He was enduring to me because of his flaws. He broke promises to my sister (his ONLY biological daughter). He lied to me and my mother. He disappeared for years on end, only to lie and break MORE promises. And oddly enough, it's these qualities that had a POSITIVE effect on my life. I never wanted to replicate what he did to us, and I definitely never wanted to have anyone I loved feel about me the way we felt about him. He taught me, in a backwards kinda way, how to be a better father.

But, now I'm the stepfather. Three beautiful, healthy, smart kids (2 boys, a girl in the middle) became related to me through marriage. I, now, have the ability to shape and form their lives in a positive manner. And sadly, all I worry about is whether or not they will respect me, and accept me as a parent, not just a step.